hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
