I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
