If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
