dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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