There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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