The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
