Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
