It's like God shit irony all over that family
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
