hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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