I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
