I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
