imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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