It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
