Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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