i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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