You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
