oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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