did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
