My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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