I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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