his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
