The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
