So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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