So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
