You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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