If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
