My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
