dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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