if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
