She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
