I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
