Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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