i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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