If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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