i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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