clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
