i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
