if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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