guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
