I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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