I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
where does the pee come out of this thing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
