I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
