I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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