It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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