he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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