just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
