Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
