eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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