I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
