It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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