I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I didn't notice because vodka
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
