Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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