i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
