I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
